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2012-02-22 в 13:52 

Umeko
Ведь в этом мире мне нечего больше терять, кроме мертвого чувства предельной вины...
Serg:
I'm sure now that you did not betray me
I'm guilty and I've lost my only chance
You felt a leak of love and care maybe
But never sought another man's romance

Do you remember us exchanging vows
To be together till the very end
But I belived the gossips of the cowards
I spilled the blood, my heart has bled!
Kareen:
My prince, you have deserved - and you're rewarded
The price for your hot temper is your fate
Ignored the truth to please your mind - it's sordid
You loved me? Thus your love is cold as hate.

The words are useless now, we are just strangers
My feelings, memories and friends are dead
You sins are leading you to deadly dangers
You'll spill your blood. My heart has bled!
Serg:
The hard words! I don't blame you as I'm guilty
Your love was like a crystal - so fragile
I've broken and bestained it - such a pity -
I spilled the blood of your ally

I beg for our son, pray he'd inhere -
He won't inherit sins to go ahead
You are the only one his dear and near
His native blood... My heart has bled!
Kareen:
Our son is not your business nor obstruction
For him your name will be an empty sound
You've chosen your own way of self-destruction
Abandoned us and bit the battle ground

Good bye, my prince,adopt your fate. You're staying
A nightmare on a lonely widow's bed
Your cold gravestone will bear an engraving
"He spilled the blood - and has bled dead"

2012-02-23 в 17:19 

jetta-e
"На крышах Форбарр-Султаны шафранный закат померк..."
Меня по-настоящему впечатлило, как переведен с русского этот рефрен "он пролил кровь". Здорово!

2012-02-23 в 18:48 

Хорошая крыша летает сама!
согласна с jetta-e, рефрен обыгран отлично)

2012-02-23 в 20:53 

Awaiter
2012-02-25 в 10:30 

teldreaming
Ack, this is what I get for not subscribing to all the threads. Very interesting :) Um... cannot translate the whole opera at once, but I'll just mention the English issues that immediately pop out at me.

3: a word other than "leak" should be used. This is not a romantic word at all :)
7: "believed" - also "gossip of the cowards", I guess, although vow/cowards is an extremely strained rhyme.
8: Um... "spilled his blood"? Not so sure about how to handle the blood parts in this song, but the "the" shouldn't be there.
9-10: Kareen's idioms here are off a bit.
15: "You sins" [Your sins] is not quite right even when corrected.
20: "ally" is the wrong word here.
21: "inhere" is not a word I recognize
28: "bit" isn't right. "bit the dust" is a specific bit of phrasing that can't be generalized out like that.

otherwise the phrasing and grammar may need a bit of tweaking but the structure's pretty solid. :)

2012-02-25 в 11:56 

Umeko
Ведь в этом мире мне нечего больше терять, кроме мертвого чувства предельной вины...
teldreaming, when all English internet assures me ther's neither rhyme nor near-rhyme I choose the assonance to save the meaning. Try to sing it several times - you'll get what I mean.
And please make all the corrections, as I don't FEEL your language.
In Russian it's common (and even interesting) to play words, e.g. to join "bit the ground" and "battle ground". If it's not good - change it.
Thanks for pointing out my misprints - I have them in Russian, English, Chinese and Japanese, yeah, I'm absentminded a little and work very fast )) So of course LACK, BELIEVED, YOUR, ADHERE etc.
I don't understand why you don't like "ally". Wasn't Vortala Kareen's ally? Up to you, what's your variant?

2012-02-26 в 11:03 

teldreaming
Well, "bit the ground" is also wrong, there's the problem :)

"Ally" implies they were fighting together against something. Not quite appropriate in this context. He was her friend (or similar)

"adhere"... um... I don't think this works. Unless Kareen is planning to glue baby Gregor to the walls :D That whole verse is not really parsing to me.

Everyone's going too fast :) Not complaining, but I owe too many people feedback and it doesn't look like I'll catch up any time soon.

2012-02-26 в 12:33 

jetta-e
"На крышах Форбарр-Султаны шафранный закат померк..."
Speaking frankly, Lord Vortala was Kareen's friend of youth, maybe he even fell in love with her but unrequited. So they aren't allies at all, they never acted together.
crony, maybe?

2012-02-26 в 12:44 

teldreaming
crony is more than a little pejorative.

2012-02-26 в 17:49 

Umeko
Ведь в этом мире мне нечего больше терять, кроме мертвого чувства предельной вины...
To avoid "the blood" we could put "I did spill blood" or "He has spilled blood".

To avoid "ally" - "I've killed your friend, so who am I"

"You gonna bite the dust of battle ground" - how about this?

   

"Legend of Prince" rock opera

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