Ознакомьтесь с нашей политикой обработки персональных данных
Комментарии
2012-01-12 в 08:20 

teldreaming
You seek your fate and you ask my portrait
Brave of you to ask - hear my answer if you dare!
I wonder, my prince, why you cannot sleep at night
Afraid you must answer for the sins of your fathers?

You are Vorbarra - thus your blood is cursed
And like us you must fear eternal torment...

A couple small modifications for rhetorical effect and to hit Vorbarra at the right place. I'm mostly aware of where I'm diverging.

Yuri's last line should probably use 'hundredfold' somewhere.

2012-02-17 в 05:43 

teldreaming
so I've poked my start a little to rhyme, though the rhyme scheme's different

You seek your fate and you ask my portrait
Brave of you to ask - hear my answer if you dare!
I wonder, my prince, why you can't sleep at night
Do the sins of your fathers frighten you, young heir?

You are Vorbarra - thus your blood is cursed
And like us you must fear eternal torment
Our ancient doom descends on us at birth
And waits for us, eternally triumphant

2012-02-17 в 15:37 

Our doom is bequeathed to us at birth? Avoids breaking up the phrase 'ancient doom' in the music.

Also, 'you are Vorbarra - thus your blood is cursed' is one of those lines that's really easy to hear over the Russian :-)

- Philomytha

URL
2012-02-18 в 05:49 

teldreaming
I mentally stick another beat in that pause. I'm not sure trying to follow every metrical irregularity will work - there's stuff to be said for the Gallery approach, and it makes better poetry. Though there definitely are lines that it's really important to hit exactly, like the one you mentioned...

I'm just happy I can get it to rhyme...

   

"Legend of Prince" rock opera

главная