Прочитайте, как обстоят дела у сайта Дневников и как вы можете помочь!
×
Комментарии
2012-01-11 в 22:33 

jetta-e
"На крышах Форбарр-Султаны шафранный закат померк..."
Переводчик - edik_lyudoedik

To you my greetings, Lords of Ancient Times,
Tyrans and heroes, all in equal shares!
This castle's stones remember horrid crimes
And virtues that prevail against the years.

The ghosts of history that languish in the gloom
Have brought the wind to blow off dusty stories
Of precious past: so, each of you ignores
Your heir. And shall you tell my doom?

When judgement hour is struck upon my fate,
Shall I remain myself or be your mate?

To you my greetings, vehement sovereign,
Who wasted all the power and empire
And by his victims was at last betrayed
And brought to death by self-ignited fire.

You, after being torn and scattered long,
Have not been subject to the mourns and prayers.
No speeches, no death offerings and songs,
Remains of yours weren't buried; no one cares.

So please, forsee and tell through distant past
Shall I become your image in the glass?

To you I bow, you ruled in times of change,
And you were worshipped all around the planet.
You ordered blood and leaded to revenge
In epochs three times changed and wars declared.

But why your face is restless and upset,
What's in your mind and what your heart desires?
Your crown's useless weight upon your head
And you have nobody to trust with the Empire.

And you're numb. I know the reason, why
The lot of yours I cannot now envy.

Now it's your turn. You made your fame despise,
A single battle once to boost your odor.
But game was lost, before you realized,
You rested in your triumphant dishonor.

So much for fame, so much for shining star.
Your name remained; your doings never known.
Now, will you tell me, how at Escobar
The Betans knocked you off and crushed your crown?

Why don't you speak, I see through your disguise:
You cannot ever look into my eyes.

2012-01-11 в 22:35 

jetta-e
"На крышах Форбарр-Султаны шафранный закат померк..."
Комментарии от teldreaming (скопировала из моего дневника)

(note to jetta-e) If you are actually trying to have the whole opera translated in a singable, fluent form you might want to recruit beta reading help from English-language filkers. You're going to need more than one set of eyes to beta. I am not an expert lyricist.
(to the translator) I am seriously impressed by the beautiful use of language here but there are a few issues regarding clarity, phrasing, and grammar.


Line 1: I would remove the capitalization
2: "tyrants". And "all in equal shares" doesn't quite work - "foremost among peers", to keep/improve the rhyme?
4: possibly "prevailed"?
5-8: this is beautifully written but confusing. Um "The ghosts of evening languish in the gloom/and bring the wind to blow the dust off stories/of olden days; but each of you ignores/ your newest heir, who asks to know his doom"? I don't understand why the rhyme pattern changes, but you can probably get away with it.
10: The connotations of "mate" are too sexual.
11: "vehement sovereign" is very dubious.
12: "power and empire"?? do you mean "power of empire" or something else
14: I like this line, but it might be a little too Pyre of Denethor. "by all of them conspired"?
15: "far", not "long". "You whose butchered flesh was scattered far"?
16: "subject to the" does not work. Neither does "mourns" Substitute "tears"?
17: "or songs"
18: This line is unexpectedly humorous in English. "Remains of yours" is questionable
19: "tell me from the past"
21: "who ruled"
22: "whose throne ascended to the other planets", perhaps?
23: "leaded to" is incorrect
24: This line is very confusing.
25: "is your face"
26: "What's in your mind, what did your heart desire?"
27: "a useless weight"
28: "You have no-one to trust with your empire" - though the stress on empire is a little off.
29: "numb" is the wrong word.
30: you can't rhyme "envy" with "why"!
31-32: Very confusing. Perhaps "Now for you, O hero whose demise/Came at the climax of your only battle"
33: "The game was lost, before you realized"
35: "shining stardom"
38: "Knocked you off" is too slang. Also (I must apologize for our spelling system) crown does not rhyme with known. Suggest "The Betans blew you up and stole your throne"
39-40: I suggest "What would you say? I wish that I could know/Perhaps all speech has left you long ago."

2012-01-12 в 09:46 

teldreaming
this is the only work of the ones I've seen where I'm completely comfortable with the rhyming. It's very easy to take rhyme too far in English.

Since I can't work on all of these at once I'll work here for now and put together a draft from my suggestions.

2012-01-22 в 04:51 

teldreaming
Obviously leaning heavily on the prior version. The meter of this translation is pretty regular in English, but the Russian singing is less regular, so this does not match the vocals nearly as well as Night. I followed edik_lyudoedik's lead on the Ezar part, possibly overemphasizing violence as opposed to popular admiration. But leader worship is a tricky subject to handle in English without it sounding silly.

I bow before you, lords of ancient times,
Heroes and madmen, gathered among peers
The castle's stones remember names and crimes
And ghosts still linger after all these years.

The wind rises to blow the dust off stories
The ghosts wait in the ever-present gloom
I see you here, but each of you ignores
Your newest heir who asks to know his doom

What will I be, when my own life is through?
Shall I remain myself or follow you?

Good evening to you, tyrant full of rage
Who slew your kin and purged the land in fire
And by your victims was at last betrayed
And brought to death by all of them conspired

You, whose butchered flesh was scattered far
Were never given your due rites or prayers
No speeches, no death offerings or songs
You were never buried; no one cared

So please, foresee and tell me from the past
Shall I become your image in the glass?

To you I bow, who ruled in times of change
Whose realm extended to the other planets
A godlike figure, ruthless in revenge
Victorious in constant civil battle

But why's your face so stern and grimly set?
What's in your mind, what did your heart desire?
Your crown's a useless weight upon your head
You have no one to trust with your empire

Nothing to say. You know the reason why
I do not want your own lot to be mine

Now for you, O hero whose demise
Came at the climax of your only battle
The game was lost before you realized
You rested in your triumphant dishonor

So much for fame, so much for knightly valor
Your name remained; your doings never known
Now, will you tell me how at Escobar
The Betans blew you up and stole your throne?

What would you say? I wish that I could know
It seems all speech has left you long ago

2012-01-22 в 06:53 

Umeko
Ведь в этом мире мне нечего больше терять, кроме мертвого чувства предельной вины...
teldreaming, Very good as for me, but The wind rises to blow the dust off stories is too long and out of rythm (as you should stress "risEs" and end with "sto"). Anyting else is quite perfect and singable.

2012-01-22 в 10:50 

teldreaming
oh, there are issues. Though I don't think that one's major. I'll send it past my English beta and the people at the con. I'm happiest with the first verse, the Serg verses, and most of the Ezar verses.

2012-02-05 в 20:29 

Хорошая крыша летает сама!
клип, почти сюжетный
www.youtube.com/watch?v=beK1NhiI8mU&feature=rel...

2012-03-14 в 04:48 

teldreaming
slightly more polished. I'm pretty happy with this now on most fronts (with a question mark on singability - it could match the tune better)

I bow before you, lords of ancient times,
Heroes and madmen, gathered among peers
The castle's stones remember names and crimes
And ghosts still linger after all these years.

The dust of ages covers untold stories
The ghosts wait in the ever-present gloom
I see you here, but each of you ignores
Your newest heir who asks to know his doom

What will I be, when my own life is through?
Shall I remain myself or follow you?

Good evening to you, tyrant full of rage
Who slew your kin and purged the land in fire
And by your victims was at last betrayed
And brought to death by all of them conspired

You, whose butchered flesh was scattered far
Were never given your due rites or prayers
No speeches, no death offerings or songs
Your spirit damned to wander by your heirs

So please, foresee and tell me from the past
Shall I become your image in the glass?

To you I bow, who ruled in times of change
Whose realm expanded to the other planets
A godlike figure, ruthless in revenge
Victorious in constant civil battle

But why's your face so stern and grimly set?
What's in your mind, what did your heart desire?
Your crown's a useless weight upon your head
You have no one to trust with your empire

Nothing to say. You know the reason why
I do not want your own fate to be mine

Now for you, O hero whose demise
Came at the climax of your only battle
The game was lost before you realized
You rested in your triumphant dishonor

So much for fame, so much for knightly valor
Your name remained; your deeds were never known
Now, will you tell me how at Escobar
The Betans blew you up and stole your throne?

What would you say? I wish that I could know
Perhaps all speech has left you long ago

2012-03-20 в 02:40 

Thoughts - yeah, the singability isn't perfect, but it's a really awkward rhythm to match, and the English is smooth and you tell the story well. Some nitpicky stuff, though really it's all pretty good.

'when my own life is through' - the 'own' sounds weird to me, I think because of where it is in the line. And the same with 'your own fate' later.
'And brought to death by all of them conspired' - mm. That's very archaic.
I don't hear the far/songs rhyme or pararhyme at all. Accent issue?
Rhyming empire with desire kind of jars at me because the stress is different, and there's this temptation to say emPIRE, and the music encourages it. And the same with demise/realized.
'Perhaps all speech has left you long ago' seems a bit odd, since they're dead and definitely can't talk. Or is that in the Russian?

- Philomytha

URL
2012-03-21 в 08:34 

teldreaming
I'll try to record a chunk or two of this when I can to explain what I'm "hearing".

Once I finish Yuri the Mad (slow going, that) I'll want to release the first three songs together to a broader audience than I released the Night translation to. I hope edik_lyudoedik is OK with me using my version here, which leans heavily on theirs - I would of course provide credit.

2012-03-21 в 10:34 

Хорошая крыша летает сама!
Philomytha
'Perhaps all speech has left you long ago' seems a bit odd, since they're dead and definitely can't talk. Or is that in the Russian?
no
"а может, просто нечего сказать?" is sarcastic question, like "why, perhaps cat got your tongue? nothing to say?" etc.

2012-03-21 в 17:59 

teldreaming
I am really not fluent enough to pick up sarcasm most of the time :) I'll try to tweak it.

2012-03-26 в 11:24 

'When my own life is through' - 'when all my days are through'?

- Philomytha

URL
   

"Legend of Prince" rock opera

главная